Chasing Metamorphosis

TGIF!

2012-01-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

1. It's time to start asking the hard questions.

2. Hold the mayo ... and don't forget the onions!

3. I'm trying to wait it all out.

4. In response to my comment about going out on a limb, a friend asks, "Legs open or legs closed", that was the last funny comment I received.

5. Please send me lots of energy and motivation.

6. You'd better ask somebody, cause I'm in it for the long haul.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to coming together with the ladies of my Motherless Daughter's Support Group, tomorrow my plans include having the house all to myself and Sunday, I want to get all dolled up for a nice evening out!

What's your Friday and weekend looking like? Click here to participate!

I Declare This a Year of Celebration!

2012-01-26T19:19:00.000-08:00

I'm broker than I wanna be, my car still hasn't made it to the shop yet, and I'm gonna have to take another math class before the year is over, but you know what, it's all ok, because I plan to celebrate along the way.

The last real get-away that I went on happened to be the very first real get-away that I'd ever been on. My baby was not yet a toddler, and I almost decided not to go, because, 3 days was just too long for me to be away from her. In the end I was happy to have had the experience with a group of good friends. Fast forward 8 years later, and I'm way overdue for a vacation. And not just a formal one, but also overdue for celebrating the little and most present of things in my life. I want to make some changes this year by putting myself back into the mix. Like I said in an earlier post, I'm always moving myself down to the bottom of the list, and also allowing others to bump me down a few spaces. It has to stop. All a part of my quest to add more self care into my days.

I've been busy this week thinking and planning my mother's celebration. I've been able to chat with my aunts and grandmother to pinpoint the things that she would most enjoy, the things that were most important to her, and also getting a good idea of how to include everyone in the event. I feel like I'm off to a really good start, and feeling a lot better about the process today.

A Liquid Lunch

2012-01-25T13:08:00.000-08:00

Blender: Easily the BEST housewarming gift ever!

I'll admit, when my friend gave me this blender, the first drink that popped into my mind was not a smoothie. I was thinking more along the lines of entertaining, but my love for Jamba Juice has made this one of the most used appliances in my kitchen. Emma and I just can not get enough fruit blends into this thing. We love mixing different berries and fruits with different juices and liquids. We have yet to create a combination that we didn't like.

I never have to worry about whether she's getting enough fruits because I can easily get various into one glass. And she enjoys being apart of the process. Smoothies come in handy for myself as well, specially on those days when I'm so busy that I nearly forget to eat. I'm always fulfilled after a glass or two and there is no guilt because its all healthy ingredients.

Do you have any favorite go-to drinks or snacks that you and/or your kids love?

Bedtime Reading: The Period Book

2012-01-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

Amazon

It's here. Well, not quite. I could possibly have another year and a half before my baby makes the complete transformation. She's very mature, but still so young. I was young too. 10 years old. I had not taken sex education in school yet, and no one had ever talked to me about puberty, the female body, sex. I only knew where babies came from after having a conversation with my neighbor, who was pregnant with her fourth. My first lesson in menstruation was via a PBS special, and I'm thankful. Unlike other girls, I didn't think I was dying. I knew exactly what was happening when it happened, and I was able to inform my great-grandmother that "womanhood had come on me".

I clearly want something much, much different for Emma. Early bloomers often have early bloomers. After asking my grandmother about her experience, my mother's and my aunts', paired with Emma's developing breasts, I'd say that it's the truth. So, now I'm grooming her for a positive experience. We're reading, we're talking and we'll soon be practicing. I don't want her to view getting her period as some kind of curse. I don't want her to be afraid. I don't want her to feel insecure about her body's changes. I want her to see it all for what it really is - a rite of passage, a complexity of coming of age, and an induction further into a vast circle of sisters.

Although Emma will always be my baby, it's undeniable that she's growing up. I'm determined to try to make every step of the way as enjoyable as possible. In true fem fashion, when she transitions, we'll call on our closest women and celebrate with a Period Party!

"Don't Get Pregnant"

2012-01-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

Last month, I was in my doctor's office for my annual exam. Just a routine physical and some catching up on my chart, since she'd been on leave for quite a while. She jumped back into the swing of things as if she'd never been gone. I was actually happy to have her back, since I had been seeing various practitioners in her absence. All was going well until that fateful conversation that we always seem to have during our visits. The one where she tries to pressure me into returning to a birth control method, other than condom use. Over the years, we'd come to an understanding that she'll ask, I'll say thanks but no thanks, and we'll leave it at that. Because, as an educated adult woman, and mother of one, I have the right to choose whether or not I'd like to be on birth control, and more importantly, I have the right to choose whether or not I'd like to be pregnant. In a nutshell, I'm well versed on how to control my ability to reproduce.

During this visit, my doctor seemed to be attempting to lightly "lay it on thick" by not dropping the birth control issue. I decline, and she gives me a mini lecture about the failure rate of condoms. I decline once more, and she suggests that we discuss the issue again at our next visit in a few months, and then IUD falls from her lips. And just to be 100% sure that I got the message, her last words to me on my way out the door were, "don't get pregnant."

Ummmm... excuse me??? I was completely shocked that she'd said those words to me. I would have rather her made a comment about my vagina than make an oppressive statement such as that. It hit me with such force that I went to my car and cried. Cried because it genuinely hurt me. Cried because I felt like I was being judged for being a single mother, with less money than I'd like to have, and a mental illness. Cried because I'd like nothing more than to complete my family with the addition of another little one. Cried because I'm tired of being robbed of the joy of my own desires by comments and thinking like her's.

I'm not naive enough to not understand where she was coming from, but I'm intelligent enough to know when I'm being placed in a box and omitted from certain paths and avenues based solely on my socioeconomic and mental health standing. Bottom line - she was out of line. Now that I've had time to fully process what took place, I will be able to better assert my rights and be present enough in the moment to make it aware to her that I, and I alone, at damn near 30 years of age, have complete agency when it comes to my body.

A Little Hair Time

2012-01-22T22:38:00.000-08:00

We got some hair time in tonight. It would have made much more sense to tackle shampooing, conditioning, detangling and styling more than two hours before bedtime, but hey, you know me, I always have to be ~~difficult~~ different. To my surprise, we actually finished 30 minutes before bedtime, granted, we didn't do a lot of detangling. The middle of this length is still a jungle. We'll devote more time on Wednesday with some planned two-strand twists (I've banded to stretch).

And speaking of length.

I love to do these length checks from time to time, just to be able to remind Emma of how long her hair really is. She has her moments of wanting her hair to be straight, particularly for length, so its always nice to be able to show her that she has the length already, and that she can sport her length without having to straighten her hair.

Its been quite a while since I've blown her hair out. Now that my hair has grown a bit, I really want to get some mother-daughter photos taken with some blown out hair. I think they would be some amazing keepsakes. One more great thing to look forward to this year.

Collard Greens & Cornbread, Yeah

2012-01-22T16:56:00.000-08:00

Collard greens from last weekend's Farmer's Market

I asked for Winter weather, and this weekend here in the Bay Area, we got it. Chilly, chilly wind and rain. I appreciated the serenity it brought during the night, but when I got caught up today with a broken umbrella and 30 minutes between bus transfers, I suddenly started giving the passing cars the super stink eye.

Back at home, a mug of hot peppermint mocha coffee, and a pot of collard greens brought me back to my happy place.

Love, Peace & Creativity

2012-01-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

The beginnings of my vision board

Just a lazy Friday night. While Emma managed to take over just about every inch of my queen sized bed with pillows, snacks and Netflix, I moved my stack of Essence magazines to my desk and continued to let the pouring rain pacify me. Samantha, of Rich Single Momma, recently shared a picture of her vision board with us on Facebook and it got me to doing some envisioning of my own. I've never created a vision board before, although one has been on my mind for the past year! It's the reason I bought the above corkboard in the first place. To mount, display and inspire. It quickly filled up with photos of Emma and cards from Emma and test scores of Emma's. Can you see where I'm going with this? What was originally intended for me, I succeeded in devoting entirely to my kid! Again, I moved myself to the bottom of the list, with something as simple as an array.

I put myself back on the list last night. I sat with my huge stack and just browsed. I had no idea what I was looking for, but I somehow knew it when I saw it, and so I cut it out. By the end, I was able to decipher three distinctive areas through all the images.

Love. Peace. Creativity

In a nutshell, those are the three most important areas of life for me. Having a balance in these areas equals an immediate happiness. I also realized that I tend to focus solely on the subsets of these areas - finances, mental health, family, travel, etc. When I think about these things individually it keeps me stressed out. It's as if each subset has its own never ending to-do list, which as you can imagine can be very overwhelming, especially when the expectation is to simultaneously work within these areas to get them to the finish line. When I was able to post these various images up on my corkboard, I was able to clearly see the interconnectedness of my desires and that the balance of it all is wellness. That's the starting point. It's reassuring to know that I'm already on the right track.

Do you have any experience with vision boards? Have they helped you stay on track? Did they teach you anything new about yourself?

A Lifetime Ago

2012-01-20T15:14:00.000-08:00

He said I'm gonna put my guns into the ground,
I can't shoot them anymore,
That long black cloud is comin' down
And I feel like I'm knockin' on Heaven's door.

My grandmother once told me that my mother was fond of this song.

She also told me that there was a time when my mother desired death.

That I was a gift, and she was to be the sacrifice.

I would be her greatest accomplishment.

At 27 years old, and 20 years after my mother's death, it's occurred to me that I've never once asked even the minimalist questions about her. I think I thought I knew her. I don't remember what she smelled like, but I know what she looked like. I don't remember what she sounded like, but I know what her smile looked like. I don't know what her passions and goals were, and nobody ever told me.

I don't know the true essence of the woman she was, but I do know that I've spent, at least, the last 19 years attempting not to become her, while subconsciously reliving many of her horrid life experiences. I knew, and ran from, and learn more about, her pain, but I've never been introduced to her happiness and joy. Without that simple knowledge, life has been at a standstill. Just when I had begun believing that I was no longer grieving, I learned that the grief of a loss of this kind of magnitude is endured in waves, and I'd just been lying in a valley.

Now is the time to reshape and reclaim. I am reshaping and reclaiming my relation to, and relationship with, my mother by rustling the family tree and the family's collective memory. I'm in the process of drafting every question that I've ever wanted to know about my mother, to be shared, and hopefully answered as honestly as possible. This will lead me to the ultimate climax the middle of this year - to bring the family together in celebration of my mother's life, to breathe new life into the memories that I have of her, and to further help me in my healing process.

Deep

2012-01-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling very, very full right now. Full of thought. Not singular, but a tangled web. Every important detail of every important area colliding, listing themselves, and then re-scrambling again. That means its time for a LOT of organization over here.

Let the listing begin...

A Rebirth

2012-01-17T13:47:00.000-08:00

Sitting next to my great-grandmother, feeding a sleepy Emma on her 1st birthday

I had a dream last night about a baby. A baby girl. A baby girl that I'd had at home. A baby girl that I had named and was planning to announce to the world. We were in bed with energies that felt like Emma and my grandmother. I was happy with this beautiful, chocolate, bouncing baby girl. And then I started to fret because it had been hours, and she had not cried to be changed or to be fed. I thought surely an infant would have to want to eat by now. And so I put her to my breast, and upon tasting my milk she started screaming. I thought that maybe she was frustrated and wasn't latched on properly, so I tried again and got the same results. So, I switched her to the other breast, and again, upon tasting my milk she started screaming.

I didn't know why she was rejecting me, but it was familiar so I didn't force her. I thought of formula and bottles and formula appeared. I went into a room with a crib and searched through a mess of Emma's baby treasures. All I could find were sippy cups. I needed a bottle to feed this baby, and all I could find were sippy cups. I finally found a bottle, picked up the baby, and then...

I woke up.

It was one of the sweetest and weirdest real-life dreams that I've had in a while. I wanted to ignore my alarm and get back to sleep so that I could get back to this baby girl. The baby who had rejected me, the baby who I had named - whose name I fought hard to remember. After talking it over with my grandmother this morning, I realized that this baby girl really was my baby. It was Emma who had originally rejected breastfeeding, and it is Emma who will be going through a rebirth.

Last week, Emma's dad agreed to the legal name change without any resistance. The only compromise made was that the name "Jalia" remain, which I was completely ok with. At the end of this process, although she will have a lot of names to print, each that she will choose to answer to will have been given to her with the deepest amount of love imaginable.

More Thoughts on Sisterhood

2012-01-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

Facebook friend and amazing photographer Saddi Khali says,

"As a teen, it often felt 2 me that my mama was hard on my sister as her mama was hard on her. In high school I watched so many girls jump girls, it coulda been a course 4 credits. I would later watch women in niteclubs as a younger man & wonder why they were sooo mean 2 each other, each fashion misstep seemed an offense punishable by death. Then I got a lil older & wonder why so many of the women I dated would say they didn't get along w/women, & later still, I started photographing folks & how many women felt about their own appearances & the "flaws" they'd point out in themselves always seemed tied 2 the way they judged the appearances of other women. Hmmmmm... men kill each other over women, money, drugs & power... but, women let each other live & just destroy each others joy... I dunno if this is true but it should be considered. I wonder how much we've been conditioned 2 respond in the ways do & don't even realize it."

Brother Saddi, I feel you. Today, in certain settings, I can hold eye contact with a sista and get a "what the fuck are you looking at" glance in return. For these particular women, admiration is a foreign concept. I've never been able to really figure out the reasoning behind these kinds of reactions and relations between some of us. My initial thoughts have always centered around competition. Perhaps for some of us, the number one goal is to be number one.

Saddi's thoughts brought me back to my adolescence, where my female peers were my first and most harsh critics. A close friend, whom I considered a sister, once doubled over in laughter at the site of my hairy legs, out for all to see, on a hot summer day. And then there was the classmate in junior high who made it her mission to "teach" me how to shave my legs after spotting them in the locker room, because, her man would "never go for that", even though my boyfriend at the time didn't have a problem with it at all. It was as if my hairy legs were a crime against humanity and had to be eradicated at once or hidden forever.

Although I've come to love and accept my body for all of its beauty and uniqueness, because of the ways in which body hair is still viewed in our society, I remain hot when others are cool to avoid being subjected to harsh criticism from other women. I personally don't see the point of devoting countless hours to altering myself just to make others more comfortable. And I don't see the point of having to be held prisoner within my clothing because of the fact that I have distinctive features. But, it is so.

I think Saddi is right when he says that its all a part of conditioning. We are instructed against A & B, and therefore we make it a point to instruct others against them too or we may instruct them toward A & B just to make our lives easier and/or to weed out the competition. Its all very interesting.

The Granny Stripe

2012-01-15T14:56:00.000-08:00

I'm having a lot of fun trying different patterns that bloggers are so generously sharing. I'm still more of a hands on learner, but I've come a LONG way in reading and following patterns. Anybody who crochets will tell you that it has its own language! My hat goes off to all the folks who create patterns! Anyhoo, I was checking out the i-Crochet showcase a while back and landed at a blog that is becoming a favorite. There are so many cute creations at Attic24! I was very happy to find the pattern for the Granny Stripe. I've seen the Granny Rectangle, but I'm really loving the Granny Stripe. Now that the living room is coming together, I thought this pattern would be perfect for a cute and comfy throw for all the Netflix watching that we do.

For this throw, I couldn't resist being all matchy-matchy so I went with our brown/blue/cream color scheme.

I'm loving it so far and can't wait to curl up under it once its finished!

Who Says You Can't Get Fresh Produce In the Inner City?

2012-01-14T13:48:00.000-08:00

$19 of healthy, fresh produce + nuts!

Each time I pass by the huge banner advertising the Phat Beets Farmer's Market, I always promise myself that I am going to drop by to check it out. And without fail, Saturday after Saturday after Saturday rolls by and I always forget. I nearly forgot today! Thankfully I was able to dust off my cloth bag and hop the bus to explore this awesome asset to the community. The vendors/farms were few, but the market was full of fruits and veggies that Emma and I love to eat. I was able to shop with each farm, picking something that we love.

At the end of my trip around the lot, I had a bag full of celery, cauliflower, carrots, big beautiful collards, walnuts, apples, oranges, and lemons. All for just $19. And the best part? I was able to pay for my fruits, veggies and nuts with my EBT benefits, better known as Food Stamps! It was an effortless experience. So, you see, there really are healthy options available to those of us living in urban areas. And for an even more effortless approach to getting fresh produce into the homes of families in the community, Phat Beets Produce offers a CSA that they call a Beet Box, which can also be paid for with EBT benefits. Next week I will be signing up to receive my very first! I'm looking forward to the variety.

How often do you visit your local farmer's market?

TGIF!

2012-01-13T08:47:00.000-08:00

1. When I looked out the window this morning stillness was clear through the haze.

2. The fact that one of my favorite soap operas, One Life to Live, will be having its final episode today, despite the fact that fans are very vocal about wanting the show to continue, totally doesn't make sense to me.

3. Remind me over and over and over again that life really is grand.

4. Journaling is something I love to do!

5. TP is essential.

6. I cleaned the refrigerator recently and I found a lonely wedge of red onion.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to complete relaxation, tomorrow my plans include connecting with family or friends and Sunday, I want to effortlessly prepare for the week ahead!

How's your Friday going? Click here to play along.

It's the Little Things

2012-01-12T17:04:00.000-08:00

I spent my Tuesday morning of this week putting together my new living room furniture. Everything now has its place. And I now have a space where I can truly kick back and relax, watch tv, play a few rounds on the Wii with Emma, and crochet freely and in comfort. It took me quite a while to fill this space, but I wanted to be sure that I would be doing so with pieces that I was satisfied with. Mission accomplished.

Concise and to the point. My next goal is to accessorize with a couple of plants, a few statement pieces, a pet goldfish for our empty bowl, and some artwork.

And Then There Were Two!

2012-01-11T14:54:00.000-08:00

I got Emma's fingerless gloves finished, with only having to lengthen them just a little bit so that they hit her fingers in the right place. She was very excited to get them on and she complimented me on a job well done :) And then we realized that they match her helmet. Gotta love those extra little details.

I got the pattern for these gloves from Lion Brand's website under their free patterns, but like I said, there are a bunch available around the net, in all kinds of patterns. Its always fun to get a little something new.

Crochet Mama's Cowl/Infinity Scarf in Action!

2012-01-11T12:30:00.000-08:00

Shelby Wooton

As soon as I spotted the too-cute Chihuahua Cowl Infinity Scarf over on Crochet Mama's Blog, I immediately thought about a friend's new furbaby. I couldn't think of a better gift to pop in the mail! This cowl was super easy to make and I think its such a functional little peace for a little pooch.

Three Ladies

2012-01-11T09:38:00.000-08:00

We got a shot of this little lady in the school garden. She was soaking up the sunshine and comfort of this soft fuzzy plant. Emma likes to spend a lot of time in the garden, and she loves to walk me through, showing me all of her favorite edibles. She's known for making "weedos" - Sour Soil wrapped inside of a big yummy Dinosaur Kale leaf. I've often found her with green teeth after school from having access to all the weedos she desires.

I think my favorite plant in the garden has to be the producer of the deliciously sweet Ground Cherry.

Source

These little surprises are addicting. Makes me wish I had the outdoor space to grow them. In the school garden, you are lucky to find any hiding beneath the foliage because they are always caressed by little fingers. As we approach Spring, and I get even more comfortable in my space, I am being pulled even more toward container gardening. I've seen some awesome gardens around the neighborhood, so I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't be too difficult to solicit a few friendly green thumbs.

Fingerless Gloves

2012-01-09T13:15:00.000-08:00

Emma has been asking me to "learn" how to make fingerless gloves for what feels like forever. I always admire the gloves and wrist warmers that others make when I look at their blogs or Etsy shops. Since its pretty nippy outside during our morning walks to school, I thought now would be a good time to give them a try. I have to say, I'm liking it, and I think that Emma will too. She has a new scooter coming soon, and these will help her keep warm while still having the full use of her hands.

Since this is my first attempt, I've made one for her to try on. If all is well, I'll get the other whipped up and she'll be all set. I'm pretty sure that she will want a matching hat for these babies, and I'm fixated on legwarmers. She loves tights, so I think legwarmers could become a nice addition for her during this time of year. I think they'd also look very cute with her skinny jeans. I'm getting excited!

Have you been creating lately? Do share :)

Fun with Yarn Scraps

2012-01-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

I couldn't really sleep last night, so I threw on some Law & Order: SVU and took a look in my trunk of yarn. I wanted to crochet. I didn't know what I wanted to crochet, just that I really really wanted to. I have a bunch of bright random colors from small projects and nothing was really catching my eye since we're still in Winter. Then I noticed a new small ball of cotton yarn in Gold, and decided that I could put it to good use.

I decided to make a dish cloth for my grandmother. I've never made any dish or wash cloths before, but I've wanted to. There are a bunch of different dish cloth patterns out there, but since I was just in the heat of the moment, I decided to go with something simple. Double crochet and back post stitching got the job done. I'm pretty happy with the results and I'm looking forward to adding some cloths and possibly some drying towels to my own kitchen soon.

The simplest things can always make the perfect gifts!

A Mosaic

2012-01-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

I had to play along with Creative Ramblings! You should to. Here's what you do:

Make a photo mosaic using flickr and big huge labs.

a. Type your answer to each of the questions into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into big huge labs mosaic maker.

The Questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name

Here's my mosaic...

1. Barbara, 2. Soul Food On Concourse C_Day 5 of 50, 3. Richmond High School's "Back Door", 4. Cobalt blue, 5. Day 14: I Don't Know ANY of This!, 6. rootbeer, 7. New Orleans Evenings, 8. ice cream van, 9. Writer's Weapon, 10. mother and daughter, 11. Bronze Worrior, 12. NONE

TGIF!

2012-01-06T09:00:00.000-08:00

1. Discussions about pet therapy, no-pet policies and disability rights are taking place in my head right now.

2. To avoid the phrase, "I'm tired", homework dragging until bedtime has gone goodbye.

3. I think it's time for me to start reaping the benefits.

4. Emma's good Samaritan nature always puts a smile on my face.

5. Maybe sometime in the future, I'll look back on everything and laugh.

6. The selflessness that surrounds me gives me strength.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to staying up late, tomorrow my plans include a little self care and Sunday, I want to make plans to reconnect with friends!

How's your Friday? Let everyone know by participating in Friday Fill-Ins!

Next Week, Emma Rocks!

2012-01-05T14:52:00.000-08:00

Now that Emma's getting older, I think its about time for her to branch out into some extra curricular activities. Its not that I've been dreading the "soccer mom" stage of parenting, its just that she has so many interests, it can be hard to narrow it down to just one or two passions.

Emma and I were out and about a few weeks ago, and passed by a guitarist who was rocking a kick ass solo. Emma's face lit up with excitement, and she asked me if she could share the "ice cream" money with him that she'd been clutching during our walk. I gave her the ok, and she skipped right over and dropped it into his hat. In that moment I was extremely proud of her for multiple reasons, and in that moment of hearing this man play, she felt a connection to him and needed to show her appreciation of his skill. That in and of itself rocks.

She's developed quite the love for the guitar. I think it speaks to her. If there is ever a guitar in sight she gravitates toward it, and has been known to proceed to strum, its physical invitation being the only permission she needs. As much as I would love to make one available to her here at home, there isn't a music fund growing around here. Thank goodness for organizations like Girls Rock, which provide the opportunity for girls to come together and learn from and play with female musicians.

For a season, girls get to learn an instrument with their peers, form a band, write an original song, and perform! How cool is that! Emma will be participating in their after school program once a week, but they also have a summer camp! If this sounds like something your elementary or high school girl might love, its worth doing a search for Girls Rock Camp, they have various organizations in different cities/states.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

2012-01-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

Its been a while since I've mentioned how great natural hair is, so let me just say, natural hair is awesome! We haven't been doing much exploration or styling lately, but we are definitely growing strong. I can't believe that its been a year and a half since my second big chop! I did a little length check on Emma recently and we discovered that her hair is now "butt length" when stretched. Even when it seems like our routine isn't solid enough or really helpful, we still make nice progress. I'm feeling Kiki's hair resolutions for this new year. A little bit more structure ain't never hurt nobody. I NEED HAIR STRUCTURE! The locs forming at the end of my loose hair is my reminder that I have too much length to skip detangling on a regular basis. I'm a real 'wet it and forget it' kind of girl, but with more length comes more opportunity, and I'm ready to jump in and get some styling.

Emma went back to school yesterday, and the night before, I was trying to figure out what we could do with hair that had a fair amount of lint balls, with only an hour before bedtime. I decided to not make it harder than it needed to be. I took her four big plaits and put them into ponytails and then created a semi-veil style with the front ponytails by banding them to the back ponytails. I didn't use any product on her hair, just spritzed with water and brushed. No need to bring further attention to pesky lint balls with a bunch of product slapped on top of them. We were pretty happy with this neat concoction that is capable of holding for a couple of days until we are ready to shampoo.

Redefining 'The List'

2012-01-03T11:18:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but my life revolves around lists. I make them for EVERYTHING. Grocery shopping, things that I need to get done, random thoughts swimming around in my head, bills that need to be paid, whatever you can think of, I've probably made a list for it or of it. It just helps me to be able to see things more clearly, kinda like being able to see the bigger picture of a day/week/month/experience. And still, a couple of days ago I had a 'list' aha moment.

I was reading Lisa Nichols' article, Go From Stressed to Blessed, in this month's issue of Essence Magazine. Out of her list of ten ways to achieve transformation in the new year, it was the 2nd suggestion that really struck a cord with me.

START WITH YOUR "ALREADY DONE" LIST. What did you accomplish in 2011? When were you at your strongest, and what lessons did you take from those experiences? ... Focusing on what you did well will give you the momentum to create the life you most want to have in the new year.

This really sounds like a no-brainer, but out of all the lists that I've made, I don't think I've ever created one to showcase the things that have gotten done. When something on a To-Do list is completed, it just gets checked off or crossed out, which made me realize that by doing so, those achievements are just forgotten - replaced by the next thing to-do. There really isn't any effort to let a 'job well done' marinate. Well, I've heard you Ms. Nichols and that practice stops now.

Grab yourself some post-its and create your own list of accomplishments!

Moments of Bliss

2012-01-02T17:24:00.000-08:00

Living Room: Still a work in progress...

A year ago, I was laying in a full sized bed, with an arm cuddling my baby while a hand cradled my Galaxy S. Two sets of eyes peering into the beauty of Avatar as the clock struck midnight. We were in the family wing of a homeless shelter. Five family units with revolving doors. Four families went off to forever homes, while three more settled into the temporary serenity of three meals a day + bed and bath that didn't have to be shared. The Hotel, as Emma liked to call it. The most memorable fragment of our shelter stay was my transformation into double agent - gaining a status as participant and observer, with a focused view on what a homeless family really looked like.

I was not the only single mother, nor were the families comprised of only single mothers. Among us was a husband and wife with a troop of four, and a girlfriend and boyfriend with a set of brand new babies, and the thought process changer: the single dad with the toddler son, and the two little girls who clung to us women with hugs and requests for sleep overs because they were missing their mother so much. Yes, we all had our stories, and for a brief period in our lives we became a collective, sharing child care advice, academic support, and guidance on the right and wrong ways to comb and care for little natural curls. And when it was time to move on, we congratulated each other and waited for our own happy endings.

As 2011 became 2012, it was evident how much things have changed for us. At midnight, I was in the comfort of my own home, smiling into my computer screen as I shared a New Year's toast with my grandparents via Google Video Chat, and a loving glance at my sleeping baby cuddled up next to me on the couch. A shiny moment of pure bliss.

And as the sun rose and prepared to set on the very first day of this brand new year, a grand feast of Hoppin' John and fixins helped my bliss hang around just a little bit longer.

I hope that all of you had an exhilarating start to 2012. May the prosperity be in abundance for us all.

Celebrating Outdoor Afro!

2011-10-13T09:56:00.000-07:00

www.outdoorafro.com

It was an honor and a privilege to be in attendance at Oakland's historic African American Museum & Library to celebrate one of the most passionate people I know, my friend and Outdoor Afro founder, Rue Mapp. It was a joy to experience the outpouring of love as we all gathered around to surprise the birthday girl as she ascended the staircase, and a real treat to witness her commendations from members of Congress and the County of Alameda for her groundbreaking work centered around African Americans and the great outdoors. Did I mention that Rue is also one of the Faces of Conservation for the Wilderness Society in Washington, DC? She is truly doing us all proud and creating opportunities to reconnect our community to nature.

The Outdoor Afro team worked to further Rue's vision by putting together an Outdoor Afro fundraiser, which helped raise money devoted to scholarships to send youth to Oakland Feather River Camp next summer! Emma and I will be looking forward to joining in on the fun. You don't have to wait until next summer to get in on the camping action, you can follow Rue and her family on their upcoming RV trip to the California Coast!

Visit OutdoorAfro.com for color-filled adventures and valuable information about enjoying all the rewarding possibilities of nature.

Living the Young Mommy Life!

2011-10-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

www.theyoungmommylife.com

It's truly impossible to say enough wonderful things about the fabulous Tara Pringle Jefferson of The Young Mommy Life, and just as impossible to compile all the reasons why I love her into one blog post. She's just an amazing force of nature. You can't help but walk away fully inspired and ready to take on the world after reading her work, and you definitely feel a sense of pride to be a part of the community that she has built because she is a shining example of all the possibilities that await young motherhood in the world. I was just drawn to Tara from the very beginning! Not only was she a young mommy who welcomed her daughter while she was still a college student, just like myself, but she was living my journalist dream. She was a great example that motherhood isn't a road block to the dreams of young mothers, but rather, a driving force and a site of universal unconditional support. Even as a single mother of one, I could relate fully to this married mother of two because she goes hard. There is no going home for Tara!

I'm pretty sure you can imagine my feelings when Tara told me that "I" inspire her. It was humbling to be reminded that my little piece of experience in the huge pie of the young mommy community is noted, appreciated and most importantly, welcomed. Yesterday I was featured in The Young Mommy Life's 'She Inspires' series. Check me out, and check out all of the other brilliant pieces that Tara and The Young Mommy crew have to offer.

The Legal Stuff

2011-09-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time I attempted a legal name change for Emma. I loaded her into her stroller, got the bus to our local courthouse, and picked up a thick packet of forms. The legal stuff was all foreign to me at the time, and I didn't have the confidence to fill them out on my own, nor could I seem to find anyone to help me fill them out. I'm pretty sure that was over seven years ago! This Labor Day, I sat on my grandmother's couch and electronically filled out every single form that I need to make this happen, including a fee waiver for filing/court fees, which I'm eligible for. Now comes the fun part - getting Emma's dad to sign off on legally changing the first name that he gave her, at a time when he's already come to the conclusion that I not only think that I'm "better" than everyone how high school is that!, but that I'm in the business of making decisions for him. His ability to make good decisions could definitely be argued, but this decision isn't about him at all, and I hope that he will be willing to hear me out, and not block this from becoming a legal reality. I didn't fight for this name eight years ago, but I'm prepared to do so now.

I'm not quite sure why the forms and/or the process was so intimidating at the start, but it felt good to be able to breeze through all seven forms this time around. We'll see just how painless this process will be.

Rockin' & Rollin'

2011-09-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

The first week of school brought a lot of smiles and tales. I enjoyed hearing all about the excitement of Emma's days on our walks home. Well, I walked - she rode her scooter about 15 paces ahead of me while shouting out all the fun activities of the day. I love the way her eyes light up as she sings a song to me that she learned in class, or shares something else that just happened to be her favorite part of the day. Her happiness is priceless. I'm hoping that week two, and every week of this school year brings the same level of joy.

Over the weekend we received Emma's standardized test scores in the mail from her old school. Last year was her first year taking the test, and her class spent a lot of time preparing with practice assignments. I guess it all payed off because she did great! She placed in the Advanced level in Language Arts, and the higher end of the Proficient level in Math, surpassing the California standard in both. With math being one of her favorite subjects, I was a little surprised to see that this wasn't the category where she had an advanced score, but hey, 24 points shy of advanced, in standardized testing terms, ain't half bad.

I finished up my first set of homework problems over the weekend, and might I dare say, I enjoyed sitting in the middle of my bed, surrounded by pascal's triangle, inductive & deductive reasoning, universal/sub/proper & improper sets, integers, cardinal numbers and a notebook of notes. It just all kind of flowed - stress free. Let's all hope that this contentment continues as I move into future homework sets and exams! Just three more months to go and I'm home free!

I hope that everyone had a wonderfully, labor-free, weekend!

Appreciating You!

2011-09-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

Because a little appreciation goes a long way. Take 10% off at Baby Squares for the month of September! Just use code APPRECIATE at checkout to apply the discount. Also, if you haven't already, "like" our Facebook page and suggest us to your friends!

Because a Girl Can Never Have Too Many Bows

2011-08-31T13:08:00.000-07:00

While I'm anxiously awaiting a yarn shipment from Joann's Fabrics, I couldn't resist dipping into the yarn stash to play with those wee bits that seem to always be left over here and there. Some folks use those bits to create colorful grannies - I usually leave them be and even sometimes toss them. Well, not this time. I decided to make a few Hair Bows. The clip attachment at the back gave me the opportunity to practice my sewing!

This pair is now available in my shop, and I'm looking forward to working these up in more colors.

A Day of Firsts

2011-08-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

Today marks the two hundred and second post here in this space, and the very first day of 3rd grade, at a brand new school, for Emma. I gotta say, its looking mighty good. Based on the warm welcome alone, I want to strongly believe that this year is going to rock. I got a great vibe from parents and staff this morning as I made my way around the auditorium, looking over PTA information and after-school classes. I even ran into a few mommy friends. Turns out, there will be more familiar faces around campus than we'd both originally thought. 30 more minutes of learning to go, and then I get to hear all about her big first day! I'm anticipating hearing all about her reunion with an old friend who she'll be sharing a class with this year. Looks like I'd better brace myself for all of those future playdate requests!

Back to school means back to the days of having an empty house for a few hours. As I reflected on this earlier today, I realized that its actually been a while. I used my alone time wisely by making a little welcome-home-from-your-day-of-firsts gift for my big girl.

This will be perfect for tomorrow morning's walk to school!

It's the Little Things

2011-08-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Taken at a meet & greet picnic for new and alum student-parents at the University of California, Berkeley

Reppin' the Student Parent Association for Recruitment & Retention

It's in the Air!

2011-08-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Sharing in Beyonce's sheer joy as she rubbed her belly nearly brought me to tears. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy pregnancy! She belted out her celebration of beautiful love, and I loved every single moment of it. Yes, love and carriage filled the air today, as I found out that several of my good sister-friends are also expecting.

Huge congrats and happiness to all the parents and their new little ones who will be arriving this year!

Mi Barrio

2011-08-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, I'm not too crazy about my new digs - even though we've officially been here for 8 months. I've wrestled with a huge lack of comfort, tried to get creative with a huge lack of storage space, and battled anxiety around having to be that neighbor a time or two. Bottom line is that I've been picky. While Emma has settled in nicely with a complex of new friends, I've spent the majority of the time griping because this transition left me without the unrealistic perfection I was seeking. My casa of gold at the end of el arco iris was supposed to include a cute little private patio where I could grow my container garden in peace, and a place to tuck my Christmas decorations away, and a golden silence in the midnight hour. This place: not so much. However, on the heels of a day long fiesta de cumpleanos, it is obvious that this place is definitely not lacking in community.

Back to School

2011-08-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's been two years since my mini-me and I strutted our stuff across the stage. A collective sense of achievement for many years of hard work and sacrifice. I was part of the "one more class" club, while others belonged to the "one more paper/final/requirement/God WHY would you curse me with a 35 page thesis?" club. I had every intention of closing out my undergrad career the following Summer. I enrolled, went through the first week, and painfully came to the conclusion that without the needed resources (ie: textbook, tutor) my success in the class was gonna be virtually non-existent. Fast forward three Fall semesters and here I am, at the end of week one of my one last class. And guess what? Now is the right time.

The week leading up to the first day kept winding down to more anxiety ridden moments. The realization sank in that I would soon be expected to perform in a subject that I haven't explored for nine years! I'd petitioned to bypass any possibility of having to be assessed, because even a simple math assessment test after nine years of lazy computations is simply terrifying. And after day one I started to think that maybe a repeat, a refresher course would have been worth another semester's delay. Boy was day two a game changer! Without any immediate memory of algebra or the $200 latest addition required textbook, I was able to hang onto every notation the professor made and became more confident that being left alone to fend for myself with just a few equations and 20 unanswered problems wasn't a death sentence after all. I even traded a few pages of a good book for two example problems on the bus ride home! And it was then that I remembered why I used to love math.

Fall Projects

2011-08-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

The breeze is turning a little brisk outside, and back to school is right around the corner. We intend to be ready! Now that the clothes shopping is all done, its time to start thinking about cute accessories. We're doing scarves, hats, headbands, and hair bows around here. I finished up another circle scarf, this time in eggplant. Thought this was a beautiful warm color for Fall, and a little something special for all of my purple lovers out there.

Available for purchase at Baby Squares

I have more fun Fall colors in the works. Now that I'll be heading back to class, I think I might be sure to make one of these for myself!

Newness is in the Air

2011-08-22T17:35:00.001-07:00

I decided to try something new. I decided to challenge myself a wee bit further. I haven't advanced to playing with thread or those magnificent seed beads yet, but I'm getting there - one new project at a time. This time around, its all about circles! Earrings and scarves.

I was pretty darn proud of myself once I finished these earrings. Not the most complex design, but crochet circles can go a looong way. I'm grateful to the amazing Renaissance Austin of Raghouse International for her circle and earring making tutorials. They were just what I needed to jump right in.

And, of course, a pair of squares!

Each pair of these earrings are now available in my Etsy shop.
http://babysquares.etsy.com

Healing in Numbers

2011-08-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

"When four or five motherless women sit together in a room, however, the camaraderie is nearly instantaneous. Finally, they say. Others who understand... They can detect the subtlest inflection in each other's behaviors, the tiniest insinuation in a gaze, the inaudible frequency of spirit that reveals: You are one of me." - From Hope Edelman's Motherless Daughters

I'll be stepping out next week, to step into a new circle of sisterhood. I'm not sure why it never occurred to me to seek out a Motherless Daughter's support group. In the mist of being the only motherless daughter in my immediate circle, I never considered the fact that I might ever be able to reach out to, and come together with, another woman who came of age under the same circumstances of loss. Such a woman reached out to me last week, and next week I will meet her at my very first Motherless Daughters meetup. I'm looking forward to all of the possibilities that this meetup will bring forth.

Those Special Touches

2011-08-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when a project takes a wrong turn, a little rethinking and creativity can save it from becoming a victim of the scrap pile. I was very proud of my very first puff stitch scarf, despite the fact that it felt more to me like a shawl than a scarf because of its width and length on an adult frame. What to do with a scarf that is too short when reworking it is out of the question? Well, just change the style of the scarf! I realized that I didn't get the look that I wanted from the ends of the scarf when I wrapped it around my neck, but a wrap here and a tuck there gave me the look that I had originally envisioned. I took both ends of the scarf and slip stitched them together to create a circle. Problem solved.

When it comes to headbands, fit is very important. The size of a headband can change with the thickness/weight of the yarn used and the size of the crochet hooked. This became apparent to me when I found my one-size-fits most two strand headband a lot larger with a different type of yarn. What to do if you don't want to purchase a pattern in the current headband style for your specific yarn thickness? One option is to work up a more functional style of headband.

A simple double crocheted headband can fit a range of heads, especially with elastic added! This headband can also fit a range of personal styles by attaching bows and flowers.

It can be both challenging and frustrating when one pattern no longer fits all, but the process of learning new ways of creating is the fun part.

Making a Statement

2011-08-10T19:32:00.000-07:00

Breast is Best Beanie, $10 - available at Baby Squares

When it comes to crochet patterns, I haven't always been eager to jump right in, hook first. I learned to crochet by watching and following along, and I still learn that way, but every now and again, I have to strike out on my own, written instructions in hand. I fell in love with this beanie the moment I saw it in the Etsy shop Sara's Stitches. I thought this beanie was cute and creative, and it represents something that has a special place in my heart, the act of breastfeeding. When I recently revisited my shop's favorites, I noticed that, in addition to this hat, Sara was also offering a pattern. With new babies popping up in many of my friend's households, I thought this would be a great piece to learn to make.

If you're familiar with crochet patterns, then you know that crochet has its own language, full of a multitude of stitches and abbreviations. I have gotten much better at reading and following patterns since I began crocheting, but their are some that still pose a challenge. This hat is one of them. Nonetheless, despite still getting familiar with different weights of yarn, and how it affects the end result, I think I did pretty good one my first and second try!

Getting Ready for Fall

2011-08-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

The clouds have been rolling in, and even a light mist has graced us here in the Bay Area, a sure reminder that Fall is right around the corner. My hook has seen a lot of yarn lately, and my project bag has been overflowing with hats. Its been a great way to use up yarn from my stash, and to get my Baby Squares fans thinking about keeping themselves and their kiddos warm in the coming months.

I think I'm starting to really enjoy making these hats with ear flaps. I didn't realize exactly how versatile a beanie could be!

I created this one with the bit of yarn I had left over from Emma's blanket.

And my hat collection wouldn't be complete without a tam or two, right? This is a personal favorite of mine. Whenever I'm having a not-so-good hair day or in a rush to get out the door, I can always throw on my tam, stick a couple of bobbie pins in to secure since I like my hat to sit half way my head, and go! I'm looking forward to adding a few new colors for myself.

Journeying

2011-08-03T15:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes shared experience can be comforting. I keep this in mind as I journey through the lives of others and with others.

I was browsing the isles of my local library a couple of weeks ago when I came across a book that stopped me in my tracks. I think I probably stood and stared at its binding for a good five minutes before picking it up off the shelf. Any other day, I would have probably put it back, but this day, I it must have called to me. A few pages in, and I was glad to have been listening.

Motherless Daughters, written by Hope Edelman has been around ever since 1994. How could I have not known about this book? How could I have not been aware that, across the lands, many motherless daughters support groups have been gathering. Maybe, because in dealing with trauma, there are some forms of trauma that are acknowledged and dealt with on deeper levels. Just a couple of chapters in, and this book, what it has already revealed to me about being a motherless daughter, has gone to work on me. Its almost like my true self is being unmasked and explained to me for the very first time in my life.

Motherless Daughters is written from the viewpoint of having lost a mother in childhood or adolescence. This is the first time, written or otherwise, that I've engaged in or with conversation about mother loss that encompasses my own experience. Lossing a mother at any age is life changing, but to have a mother plucked away before she's been able to teach, to befriend, to comfort and nurture... that, so I've realized, is the straw that can break a daughter's back. As I work my way through this book, a weath of emotions become present - sadness, anger, empathy, relief - hopefully arriving at a the end of this book with a more genuine comprehension of the little girl within.

Stitches and Stitches

2011-08-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, there are certain projects that seem to go on and on forever. You set out with a clear goal in mind, an even clearer time frame, and then something happens. You pick it up one day and put it down the next or push it aside for the chance to create something new. For some reason, the blanket that I started for Emma turned out to be one of those kinds of projects. Thankfully, I've stitched the last stitch and she is snuggled under all 55 inches of this beauty as I type. I felt like popping open a bottle of something tasty to celebrate!

She's happy with her new blanket and that makes it all worth it!

The Etsy Vacation is Over

2011-07-31T05:49:00.000-07:00

Hello approaching sunrise, we meet again...

I broke Her first basic rule for getting a full night's rest, but my project bag is no longer empty, and my Etsy shop is no longer on vacation. It's been a while.

A few new quick things.

Custom Ear Flap Hat w/Ties, done up for a friend who will
be trailing behind a little duck this Halloween.

A little Berrylicious Beanie with a little extra something-something, $10

Another go around with the flaps for a friend who wants to
match her nice blue set of wheels.

Drop by my shop and catch the sales! Layettes and blankets must find a new warm home!

I've Been...

2011-07-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

Cooking

Roasted/baked chicken thighs and lemony brussel sprouts

Peach Pie

Crocheting

Diaper Covers: Newborn to 24mths $15

Playing with hair
Mourning the loss of my internet connection
Mourning the loss of my cell phone service
Mourning the loss of gas in my car's tank
Journal writing
Going for walks
Interior painting
Movie watching
Reading books
Visiting the local library
Visiting the local park
Going to therapy on a weekly basis
Spending time with friends
Job searching
Clearing boxes out of my living room!

What have you been up to?

A Hair Story

2011-07-20T14:06:00.001-07:00

Style #1: Beginning Style
A combination of twists and ponytails

Style #2
Untwisted all of the twists and removed the ponytails.
Tucked, rolled and secured the front portion with bobby pins.

Style #3:
Big Hair Don't Care!
Tucked, rolled and secured a smaller front section.

Style #4
Chunky twists all over with half of front section pinned to
the side.

Style #5
BIGGER Hair and still Don't Care!
Chunky twist out with front side portion tucked, rolled
and secured with bobby pins and a cute barrette.

You just can't beat the versatility of beautiful natural hair!

Sleepless in Berkeley

2011-07-12T07:18:00.000-07:00

It's 7:18am. Sleep did not come to me last night. It hasn't come to me in many recent nights. I've lost official count of the number of sunrises I've witnesses within a two-week period. I don't really have any answers for the shift in my internal clock, I just know that it needs a readjustment, especially since I find myself dropping mid-evening. Looks like it's time to revamp the night time routine and conjure up some ultimate relaxation techniques.

How do you settle in for the night?

Rescuing the Rest of Summer Vacation

2011-07-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

With 51 days left to enjoy summer vacation, I'm not sure that I can say that I've actually been enjoying summer vacation. We haven't set foot on the beach, we haven't taken any road trips out to visit distant friends, I haven't read any books! While Emma has been spending time outdoors with new friends, I've been completely focused on looking for work and securing resources. I now realize that if I don't act fast, the first day of school will be upon us and we will not have left our neighborhood! Its not that I didn't have a slight summer itinerary - now's the time to start enjoying our list.

- Summer Reading Game 2011: One World, Many Stories
The game is on at our local public library, in which the challenge is to either read 10 books, 1000 pages or read for 10 hours and get in 3 library visits for a chance to win some great prizes. The game runs from June 17th - August 13th. Click here to check it out, and then visit your local children's library to find out about the Summer Reading Game in your area. Starting next week, we are shooting for a 10-hours of reading goal. 34 days is more than enough time to explore.

- The Local Park
We are fortunate to have a park right down the street from home, and right across the street from the library! Lots of trees, open space and sunshine makes a perfect scene for bike riding, sand castles and journal writing.

- Bowling
Did you know that kids get to bowl 2 free games each and every day of the summer? Seriously. 2 free games for the entire summer, and the rest of the family can join in with a low priced family pass. I signed Emma up at www.kidsbowlfree.com.

If we're lucky, maybe we'll even get a visit or two in to the water park before Fall arrives. What's on your summer itinerary?

* A visit to Outdoor Afro just added another summer adventure to our list by reminding me of the beauty that is right in our backyard, Tilden Park's Lake Anza! Summer would not be complete without at least one beach visit - guess its time to break out the swimsuit.

Reflection

2011-07-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

A high school friend was laid to rest yesterday. She was 27 years old. Although we weren't extremely close, I've taken her death in a certain kind of way since making the connection - emotionally bound by limited details and a c/o 2002 bond. I read the news article, "Woman, 27, killed by Amtrak train." At the time I didn't know that this "woman" was my friend. And once I did, it was hard to fight the images in my head of her standing in the path of an oncoming train, because, once the face and name filled in the blanks, the words of that article were received much much differently.

I researched every article online that I could find written about the incident, I read the comments that people left, I stumbled upon an article from a year ago about two other people who were killed by an Amtrak train in the same place, I wondered if my friend's death was accidental or a conscience decision, I felt a need to react-to protect-to enact better safety measures at that particular section of track, I felt sorrow for her bffs and family, I felt sick and sad and sorry for ever considering the same fate, and then I made a last minute decision at 10:00 the night before to attend her homegoing with the rest of our local high school family, and then I made another last minute decision at 1:00 that morning that I just couldn't do it. And then someone posted a picture of the photo memorial from her service and I knew that I had made the right decision not to attend. At this time, I wouldn't have been able to handle the sadness nor the grusome images plaguing my mind.

If this was the outcome of her own free choice, I can honestly respect that, and I can only hope that she is truly at rest now. If it was not her choice to leave her son behind, and even if it was, I am still deeply moved to look into the ways in which this particular stretch of track can be made inaccesable to pedestrians in hopes that it will stop claiming lives.

Gift Making

2011-07-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

Diaper Cover - Pattern by Yarn Blossom Boutique

Since I have two baby showers to attend this month, I thought that I should try out a new pattern. I've been interested in trying out diaper covers for a while now, so I invested in a pattern. I'm glad that I did. Though there is a lot of counting that has to be done to stay on track with this pattern, it was pretty easy, and I am very pleased with the result. Not bad for my first try. All I need to do to finish this cover off is add a couple of cute buttons.

A matching hat makes the perfect little gift.

Going with the Flow

2011-07-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

This is a good example of what happens when you start out with one intention during styling time, and end up with a completely different style. I had intended to do a full head of two strand twists in preparation for a twist out today, but because I made the twists smaller than I wanted, and I started styling late last night, I decided to take a twist short cut by adding two ponytails with twists on the ends. Even though we have two different styles going on, I was still able to dust her ends to get the splits in check.

We'll see how this style evolves next week. I'm itching to do some box braids!

Sun and Fun

2011-07-05T01:36:00.000-07:00

Emma opted out of sporting her 'fro, so I was left to sport alone. She assured me that she would wear one next year. Good enough for me. The most important aspect of our day was not hair, but contentment. Mission accomplished.

Taking the trolly all the way down.

Cool wet toes while skipping stones.

And of course, the fireworks!

I hope all of you had a wonderful 4th.

The Return of 'Fros on the 4th!

2011-07-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

I remember being so bummed out last year when I learned about National Afro Independence Day. I'd just did by second BC a month prior, thus, my little TWA was history. Not this year. The 'fro is back, and in full effect. All was not lost last year though because Emma had enough Afro for the both of us!

July 4th, 2010

Trust me, you weren't seeing much with the owner of this bountiful 'fro on your lap. I'm happy that my 'fro will be out and proud tomorrow. Will yours?

Hair

2011-07-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since we've done hair - I felt like I was in this head an entire day! We spent hours pre-wash detangling, shampooing, ACV rinsing, and conditioning, with little energy left for re-detangling since for some reason we ended up with a tangled mess after conditioning, and absolutely no energy left for styling. I did a light detangle and decided to band in about 13 sections in hopes of thoroughly detangling and twisting later so that I can dust her ends. Today, neither of us was in much of a mood to tackle hair that had tons of product buildup and matted areas, but during the pre-wash detangling, which consister solely of finger detangling, Emma's hair looked so good I almost made a decision to restyle without washing! And then to have a completely tangled stripped mess afterwards? I was a little frustrated. I'm not sure if I went a little too heavy on the shampoo or if the ACV rinse just really did its thing, but I hated how her hair was feeling, even after conditioning it. We probably should have deep conditioned. Maybe it will feel better once I remove the bands.

Up next, my hair. I haven't so much as spritzed it with water in at least a week. Its dry as a desert and crying out for attention. I could completely empathize with Cassidy when she wrote about her little Lolitas. I'm right there with you girl I've slacked and both heads in this household have paid for it. Time to get things back under control over here. I've been fixated on stretching my 'fro lately. I still don't have access to my blow dryer, so it looks like I might have to resort to twisting my hair to stretch, and then pick it out. We'll see if I can find the energy to do that.

*Update: Emma's hair feels waaaaay better today. I haven't removed her bands yet, but it feels really soft in between. I may or may not reband tonight. Since tomorrow is National Afro Independence I just might remove the bands, finger detangle, and then reband tomorrow night to restretch.

So Much for Staying on Task

2011-07-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

22 out of 30 days isn't bad, right? I didn't think churning out 30 posts would have been that big of a challenge, but when you're wrapped up in deadlines, job searching, applying for jobs, testing for jobs, and all sorts of other money related stuff, it does become a challenge to fit in blogging about topics unrelated to the moment's hustle. I'm proud of myself for getting as far as I did, and who knows, the next time I participate in a directed challenge, maybe I just might do it in 30 days.

*********************************************************

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 57 years old. Next year will mark the 20th anniversary of her death. Time flies. Happy Birthday Mom.

[Day 22] Almost There

2011-06-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Day 22: Your Academics

... are still in progress. Good news: I am enrolled for Fall to complete my lonely math requirement. I swear, I just might have a gray hair behind this one requirement alone! I don't know what I was thinking leaving something like math until the end, but I did, and you know what? Its not uncommon when it comes to math and english. I will be glad to march into my department adviser's office at the end of the year and officially put undergrad behind me. I might do the Roger Rabbit out the door! A masters would be nice, BUT, I will not be rushing into the next grad program. I need time to recuperate - time to want it again. Kudos to all the mamas who are currently working on or finishing up their masters, I'm watching you and taking notes.

[Day 21] The Future

2011-06-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

Day 21: How You Hope Your Future Will Be Like

If I'm lucky, my future will hold a couple of accomplishments that leave me fulfilled, a happy, healthy and centered daughter, a couple of grandbabies, plenty of time to travel the world, and inner peace.

[Day 20] Caution

2011-06-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

Day 20: Your Fears

The great fear of the unknown. Its a little control freakish, but I'm not comfortable with not knowing what comes next. This of course puts a real damper on spontaneity. I'm a little bit cool with that. I'd rather have a clear cut plan, even if I have to revise it several times, than jump head first into something life changing.

[Day 19] Missing Links

2011-06-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

Day 19: Five Items You Lust After

1. A rewarding career:
No seriously. It'd be great to have a career that provided security AND happiness. Seems like the two never fit in the same position, unless of course you're a CEO with a team who does all the work so you can go outside and play all day. Usually, the happiness producing positions offer less pay, and those that provide the most security, meaning financial, take you away from your family and the things in life that truly matter. I know that folks will say that the key to a position that provides everything you want is to create that position for yourself, but what of us who have no deep desire to build a business?

2. A real vacation:
I'm not even sure if I've technically earned one or not, but a real vacation would be really nice. And when I say real vacation, I'm not talking about a 3-day weekend, I'm talking about a 7 day cruise, summer long backpacking trip across country type of getaway. I am in need of a major change of scenery, where somebody else is in charge of all of the care work and money is no object.

3. A new wardrobe:
At the moment, mine is quite pitiful. I think everything I own is out of date, and the majority are the wrong fit. And lets not even mention my sock collection!

4. A garden:
I have a strong need for growth and light.

5. A new baby:
An odd thing to lust after, I know. However, I can't remove this burning desire. I can only hope that the right time and circumstances will present themselves BEFORE my Emma goes off to college!

[Day 18] First Steps

2011-06-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

Day 18: A Problem That You Have Had

"It can creep up inside you and consume you, a disease of the mind it can control you."

That which has been a problem in the past, remains one in the present, and will most likely be a part of my future. When I was first introduced to depression as a term, I was six months pregnant, sitting on an exam table across from my doctor. It was then revealed to me that I had been battling depression the majority of my life. My ability to suppress made this reality normalcy. It was nice to know that I wasn't evil as I had been labeled by the adults in my life, but rather in suffering.

Because I am still suffering, next month I will head back into therapy, with the possibility of being medicated. I am hoping for a new approach and new longer lasting results. We'll see where it all leads.

[Day 17] The Greatest Love of All

2011-06-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

Day 17: Something That You're Proud Of

I'm the most proud of my little girl. She's undoubtedly my greatest accomplishment.

[Day 16] I Just Wanna Be Successful

2011-06-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

Day 16: Something You Always Think "What If..." About

"I want things to go my way, but as of late a lotta shit been goin' sideways."

What if I never reach my life's purpose?

What if I never experience the purest form of happiness?

What if I remain a mother of one?

There are a lot of "what ifs" that crowd my mind at any given time. Some push me to go harder, while others consume the very core of my soul.

Happy PRIDE in San Francisco!

2011-06-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

Yet again I've managed to miss the festivities, but I'm celebrating with my LGBTQI family in spirit, as I know it has been going all the way down in SF this weekend. There is a lot to celebrate with the recent legalization of Gay Marriage in New York. I hoping that Californians get it together by following in the footsteps of other states and doing what's right for marriage equality.

Happy PRIDE!

[Day 15] Two Places at One Time

2011-06-26T17:46:00.000-07:00

Day 15: Your Zodiac/Horoscope and if You Think It Fits Your Personality

Aritaur in the house! Being born on April 20th puts me right on the Aries/Taurus cusp, and the Cusp of Power is a very interesting place to be. I'm not heavily into astrology or following my horoscope daily, in fact, I'm pretty new to the whole concept of the cusp. I grew up believing that I was an Aries because I'd always found that Aries ended with me. I would heatedly defend my place within the zodiac. "I am NOT a Taurus!", I once argued a classmate in junior high. Truth is, my classmate and I were both right because the nitty gritty lies in the time of birth. Although cusp folks pull from the sign that ends before and the sign the begins right after their birthdate, knowing the time of birth will reveal how greatly a person is influenced by the two signs. While I think my Aries traits were stronger when I was younger, I feel like I am now ruled by my Taurus traits, while being in conflict with my Aries traits.

persevering, down-to-earth, stable, stubborn, possessive, prosperous, dependable, physical, sensual, active, initiating, leading, independent, aggressive, impatient, combative, energetic, pioneering, naive, assertive
Source

Like I said, the Cusp of Power can be a very interesting place to be, dualing dualisms and all.

[Day 14] Bare

2011-06-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

Day 14: What You Wore Today

I'd show you, but I'm sure you don't want to know me quite that well *smile*

[Day 13] The Skin I'm In

2011-06-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

Day 13: Your Opinion About Your Body and How Comfortable You Are With It

The body that I sport today is my "new body." It's a version of the body that I became comfortable with a couple years into motherhood. There have been days when this body has been unrecognizable to me - a midsection transformed by a new metabolism, a double digit jean; the sudden realization that there is nothing pre-pregnancy about this body. The fact that this "new body" is 8 years old tells me that I must be content with it. Sure, I mourn my single digit frame, and I am sure that one day I will be reunited with it, but for now, I'm rocking what I have, because what I have is still pretty damn hot.

[Day 12] Eye Candy

2011-06-16T19:21:00.000-07:00

Day 12: Five Guys Whom You Find Attractive

This really shouldn't be difficult, but guess what? It is! Hot men are the last thing on my mind these days, but let's see what I can come up with.

1. Derek Luke

2. Hugh Laurie

3. Marcus Chong

4. Lance Gross

5. Maxwell
(always wanted to run my hands through that 'fro!)

Who's on your list?

[Day 11] Roots

2011-06-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

Day 11: Your Family

My great-grandmother:

This is the woman that my mother entrusted me to when I was two years old. She was the pillar of strength that held our family together. She was everybody's Bigmama - her door, arms and heart were always open. She provided a sense of comfort and security that is unmatched, and I was the baby that slept cuddled up to her warmth until I was a teen! There was no bed, nor hug, nor kiss greater that hers. I owe this woman all that I am.

My Grandmother:

My grandmother loves telling me the story of my birth. About how my mother went into labor early with a breech baby, and how she would not allow the doctors to deliver me until her mother had arrived. I often try to picture how the aftermath of the scene plays out. I imagine an abundance of love filling the room after my arrival. After all, my mother did name me after my grandmother. I am fortunately to still have the opportunity to share laughs and life with her.

My Mother:

There is still so much that I wish I could talk to her about. There is still so much that I wish to know about her life - in her own words. 8 years distantly together just weren't enough. I thank her for the gift that she sent me 11 years after her death.

My roots run much deeper than these three women, but it is these three women whom I value the most.

[Day 10] That Boom Boom Pow

2011-06-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

Day 10: Put Your Music Player on Shuffle and Write the First 10 Songs that Play

Will You Be There: Michael Jackson
Its About That Time: The Wryters (local artists)
You Are Everything (Remix): Sisqo
Billie Jean: Michael Jackson
An unlabled Mary J song (Can't Do This Alone?)
Forgive Them Father: Lauryn Hill
Just Got Paid: 'N Sync (shot out to Richmond High School Jazz dance!)
Rock With You: Michael Jackson
Got to Get It: Sisqo
The Lady in My Life: Michael Jackson

Not that much of an exciting list, but these are some of the tunes I'm working with. This serves as a reminder for me to invest in an external hard drive so that I can snag all of the music from my old PC laptop. That thing is amazing. It's like, 9 years old and is still running - slowly, but still running!

[Day 9] Knowledge Really is Power

2011-06-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

Day 9: How Important You Think Education Is

Education is, undoubtedly, one of the most important and powerful tools that any of us could ever acquire in life. As I type, my 8 year old is passionately going page by page through her school math book explaining the problems that she's done and telling me which and why they are her favorite kinds of problems to solve. Did I mention that we are now officially on summer vacation? No matter how old you are, education - the ability to learn new things and apply what you've learned to life - never gets old. And the true beauty lies in the fact that education comes in so many different forms. Each new day brings with it the opportunity to learn, to apply, and to share that knowledge with others.

I remember having that same level of passion for learning that my daughter has. I'm not even sure how the importance of education was shaped for me, because honestly, I don't think I ever received the 'education is the key' parental speech, but rather, I was raised by a great-grandmother who didn't mess around. She wasn't raising a street girl, she was raising an independent woman, and if you weren't in the streets, the only other place to be was in school. In school I was, and I loved being there. I was good at it. I don't think there was a time in elementary that I wasn't on the honor roll, and I later graduated from high school with honors. I never viewed school as a forced requirement (until a few years in college). I knew that from elementary you went to jr. high, and from there you went to high school, and in my mind, from high school you went to college. It was just the next step on the academic ladder. I am so grateful to have had that kind of interest and the opportunity to do so. By doing so, with a child, I have now indirectly instilled the value of education into my child. She's barely getting her feet wet in grade school and is already thinking about and seeing the beauty of what college holds because it's just what she's become accustomed to. I will work feverishly to make sure that never changes.

I have to say that I am not pleased at the direction that education is now headed. The opportunity to higher education has been placed in jeopardy for so many with all of these budget issues. It makes me sad to know that some hard working and deserving young people will be robbed of this opportunity or have to delay it due to financial reasons. I am very proud of everyone who is currently busting their asses to find back doors and hidden purses to get as many into school as possible. And although a degree is awesome to have earned, its not the only way to grow within academia. If you can read, and if you have the courage to ask questions, you can self teach! If you've ever met a challenge and kicked its ass, you already have the tools!

[Day 8] Eat Up

2011-06-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

Day 8: What You Ate Today

I'm really good for forgetting to eat. Eating seems like a no-brainer, but it's really easy to do when you don't put yourself on your to-do list. I'll get into the groove of my day, or loose myself in a project, and half the day later I'll realize that it's past lunch time and I didn't even eat breakfast. Today is a non-breakfast and lunch day. After a night of fun, a light snack of dry salame, cheese and water was enough to get me up and running.

I'm headed out the door to test for a state position that I recently applied for, and will be having a sit down lunch/early dinner with Emma and a mama bear friend once I'm all done. I'm thinking a little chicken and waffles would be nice!

What's on your plate?

Happy Summer Vacation

2011-06-11T11:17:00.000-07:00

"This certifies that Emma K. has satisfactorily completed the course of study
required for promotion from second to third grade and is therefore entitled
to this certificate on this 10th day of June, 2011"

Her sense of accomplishment is so grand. She turned 8 years old, and "graduated" from the second grade all in the same week! It has been a week of graduations and celebrations. Her class celebrated with an ice cream party, we congratulated 5th grade friends who are moving on to junior high, and high school friends who are now moving on to the rest of their lives. I remember the end of 1st grade. I arrived to her classroom to find not a dry eye on a little face. The entire class was in tears because the school year had ended. This year, instead of tears, there were lots of hugs and talk of future play dates and summer camps. We're happy to have you summer vacation! Bring on the water park, bring on the beach, bring on the sun!

[Day 7] Under My Skin

2011-06-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

Day 7: Five Pet Peeves

You mean, you want me to only list five? A better challenge would be to list five non-pet peeves! To use an African Export phrase, I'm "one of them ones" - the ones who generally find irritation in an abundance of things. Some days are better than others, but stuff gets old real fast, and for me, old = irritating.

1. Invasion of Personal Space:
This actually happened to me today. I was standing off to the side of rows of full seats, minding my own little business, in my own little personal space bubble, when up walks a guy and his two daughters. Their approach would have been fine had they not all huddled around me like we were swapping secrets. One of the daughters was standing so close in front of me that I swear the toe of my shoes were touching the heel of hers! And these weren't little daughters, these were grown ass daughters. I thought that maybe she just didn't see me standing close enough to breath down her neck since she had her back to me, until the gang slid over next to a woman who was seated. They could have been in her lap! She became uncomfortable with their oblivious closeness and scooted her seat into the middle of an aisle.

2. Music Ringtones:
I must be getting older because this really shouldn't bother me, BUT, there is something about being in an establishment and having your thoughts suddenly interrupted by two minutes of some E40 song. Just leave the songs for the iPod!

3. Delayed Responses:
I know the world doesn't revolve around me, and I know that not everyone is as connected as everyone else, BUT, when I send out a text, I expect to get a reply right back, especially if two minutes after I send you a text I see that you've updated your status on Facebook, FROM YOUR CELL PHONE!

4. Answering a Question with a Question:
Seriously. If I ask a question, chances are, I'd like an answer to it.

5. Attacking Sexuality:
Just general home grown homophobia. It seems like some people just itch to affix labels to people, while others itch to attack people at their very core. It doesn't make sense to me, and its extremely irritating to be in conversation with someone who is quick to throw out some derogatory term to describe someone.

[Day 6] Life has a Soundtrack

2011-06-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

Day 6: Your Views on Mainstream Music

I really do feel that music has the ability to sooth and nurture the soul, and that usually, the kind of music that has this kind of power has great depth. It's music that transcends time. Although powerful, mainstream music usually doesn't really have that much to say and is only around for as long as the next greatest catchy hook isn't.

My radio stays locked into the oldies these days. I love disco and classic soul - music that makes you feel good when you listen to it - music that you can always come back to. A little Prince now and then. I'm not saying that these are the only genres that have music that accomplishes this, but old school brings me peace and happiness when it fills my ears.

[Day 5] To Be Continued

2011-06-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

Day 5: Things You Want to Say to an Ex

The things that I really wanted to say were written out, sealed into an envelop, and were carried around in my purse for a quiet a while. It was one of those letters that the receiver was never suppose to actually receive, but there was a part of me that wanted to be strong enough to go the extra step - to find just the right moment to place that envelop into his hands, and to hopefully change the dynamics of how we relate to each other. I never delivered that letter, in fact, I think I may have even thrown it away.

I thought that maybe I could revisit some of those things. I want to. Just not today.

Ain't No Birthday Like an Emma Birthday

2011-06-05T20:05:00.001-07:00

Officially 8 years of awesomeness!

[Day 4] All in a Day

2011-06-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

Day 4: Bullet Your Whole Day

8:15am: Alarm goes off for school. The race is on to get breakfast, get cute, get backpack and get out the door.

9:10am: We did it! Out the door on time, in the car, and on the way to school.

9:28am: Arrive at school, kisses and hugs.

9:46am: Back home to an empty house.

10:23am: Knock out blog post number 1.

11:23am: Knock out blog post number 2.

11:24am-12:55pm: Check the mailbox.

12:57pm-1:03pm: Sit with a beautiful card for my birthday girl and token of love from an amazing mama friend on the other side of the country.

1:06pm: Email amazing mama friend to show her just how much I appreciate her warm heart.

1:07pm-4:15pm: Resume getting through season 2 of The L Word.

4:45pm: Hit the bank and the grocery store.

5:00pm-5:40pm: Sit in my car enjoying the sound of the rain (saving gas) in front of Emma's school.

5:50pm: Pick up Emma and head over to the auditorium for the end of the year Aloha Potluck.

5:55pm: Run into an old school Cal mama alum (I love to reconnect).

7:15pm: The school staff hit the front of the stage to sing a group song, that none of them actually knew, even though they had the words right in front of them. Emma knew the song. Turns out that its a Rock Band classic. She puts the strained and out of touch teachers out of their misery by telling them that she knows the song. She grabs the mic and rocks the house.

And proud mama goes into paparazzi mode.

8:15pm: Back home after an evening of fun.

8:45pm: Because my kid is STILL hungry after a potluck of yummy cultural goodness, we settle in with big bowls of edamame and tall glasses of mixed berry smoothie.

And some Netflix, to which I feel asleep! When I woke up Emma was nestled beside me watching Spongebob Squarepants.

How was your day?

[Day 3] Writing Life

2011-06-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

Day 3: A Book You Love

With summer approaching, I am looking forward to an abundance of days where I can sit back, kick my feet up, and loose myself in a good book. A good story can be so addicting. It can keep you planted in the same spot for hours, while simultaneously taking you far, far away. There isn't anything that I am currently reading, but I am hoping to get something new on the shelf very soon.

I have my eye on a book, written by a "mobile homeless" 20something. It's about her experience as a young homeless woman, and about the circumstances that led to that experience. I find a familiarity and solidarity in her story.

Source

The ways that Brianna Karp have navigated homelessness are amazing. A true example of the power of breaking silence. You can check out her website and blog.

I have a special place in my heart for memoirs. I love reading about other people's life experiences, especially when they are similar to my own. I recently read Daleen Berry's Sister of Silence and was completely dumbfounded.

Sexually abused by a family friend at 13, and mother to 4 children at 21, Daleen's story flashed me back to my own relationship with Emma's father, and it gave me a glimpse of what my life would have morphed into had I not gotten out of the relationship when I did. Her story was horrific, but it brought me a sense of comfort because at last I had finally found my own brand of experience in the experience of someone else, which is something that I had not ever been able to find in any rape survivor's group.

I have also recently read the smart little ebook, written by the wonderful Tara Pringle Jefferson of The Young Mommy Life. Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide to Creating the Career You Crave, is full of helpful advice on creating fulfilling financial stability. She provides exercises and resources to get you thinking and acting on achieving your financial goals and realizing your life's dreams.

Source

Tara even takes it to the heart of her audience by providing interviews with moms who have taken a leap of faith and thrown their passions into side hustles. I was fortunate enough to share a little something about my own side hustle, Baby Squares.

Another mama and blog friend has taken to the ebook scene to share her knowledge and passion as well. Jewelry Rockstar, and Love's Gumbo creator Brook Brimm puts her professional voice into action giving advice on love and relationships. Check out her book for all of the ingredients you need.

Source

What books do you love?

[Day 2] Combating Silence

2011-06-03T10:23:00.000-07:00

Day 2: Something You Feel Strongly About

"My voice wasn't made to be quiet." - Emma

As people who encounter the world each and every day, whether through social mediums or experience, we all have areas of existence that are very important to us. I feel strongly about combating silence. We all have experiences, and some are extremely life changing and not easy to hear nor to face, but by being allowed the space and respect to voice those experiences, a kind of healing can follow that transcends any one person's sole experience. In other words, speaking out creates a platform for shared experience and the possibility for a collective healing.

Nothing is more heartbreaking than being instructed to be silent. Many are hushed, and then further punished when their suppressed pain ultimately destroys them in one way or another. We have to open our ears to the stories of others and open our hearts to life through their eyes. We may not initially have any answers, but sometimes, the first and most important step is to make it clear that people are being heard.

30 Day Blog Challenge

2011-06-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

Because invited challenges are always more fun than the uninvited.

Its a brand new month, so why not welcome a 30 Day Blog Challenge? I found the questions for the challenge over at Her Best Hair. If you feel like having a little fun this month, join in!

Day 1: Five Ways to Win Your Heart

And this would be why they call this here a challenge. I'm a natural pleaser, so it is indeed a challenge to contemplate what pleases me. I think its safe to say that these are some of the things that make my heart smile.

1. Beautiful Photography
Maybe it goes back to my childhood picture book days, but I could sit with photography for hours. Doesn't necessarily matter what the photograph's focus is, I appreciate what has been captured - the photographer's eye, lighting or lack there of, the smallest details - a picture is definitely worth a thousand words.

2. Soulful Singers

Every time that Patti LaBelle opens her mouth, chills and tears wash over me. That woman could sing the alphabet and I would still be moved deep within my soul. She doesn't just make my heart smile, but she, and others such as Jennifer Hudson and Fantasia, make my heart rejoice.

3. Crafts!
Whether it be card making, scrapbooking, crocheting or coloring a page with Emma, crafts bring inner joy. What's more joyous than an activity where the possibilities are endless?

4. Beach Days
I have a love/hate relationship with sand, but there is nothing like sitting out in the sun with the breeze of the ocean, watching my daughter play in the stuff. Chasing waves with my little girl surely makes my heart smile.

5. Intimacy
I am an old soul who thrives on a 'rocking chair on the porch-special spot out in the garden' kind of atmosphere. I appreciate quality moments with quality people - I love to bask in those moments.

In Five Days

2011-06-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

I will be the mother of an eight year old.

Happy Memorial Day to You!

2011-05-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

With the exception of a brave trip to the grocery store, we're spending this Memorial Day at home. Ironically, there isn't a grill going in the entire complex today. While Emma is taking advantage of a beautiful day spent outdoors, I've decided to get a head start on the week ahead. The iTunes are jumping, the washer is spinning, and the kitchen is all ready for me to start dinner. I've taken full advantage of this weekend "off", and I've done so guilt free.

To set the mood to my domestic day, I'm rocking an old favorite scarf in a turban style. I'm getting my Rosie the Riveter on. Believe it or not, its been a while since I've rocked a scarf and I needed a reminder of just how to pull it off. I used this fun turban tutorial by Natural Chica.

Scarves are some of the most functional accessories. I'm gonna want to rock this around town a lot, as well as some head wraps, so I think I need to get me some more pretty silk in my possession. And speaking of hair, the end of this month marks 1 year since my second big chop! Don't let this little puff of bang fool you, this girl's got some hair up under there!! I think I'm working with a good 3 1/2 inches or more. I'd planned to do a blow out, but I still haven't gotten my hands on my blow dryer yet. This is what I get for not packing it with the rest of my hair essentials. A blow out will be coming soon though, as well as a length check. Stay tuned.

I hope that all of you have had a great weekend with family and friends, and have taken some time to remember loved ones and other service men and women.

(Sidenote: What the hell is really going on with Blogger, and Youtube?!?)

The Young Mommy was Right!

2011-05-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

"May your inner self be secure and happy" - Yogi Tea

It has undoubtedly been an interesting couple of weeks. Most of the time I've been left feeling like a wreck on a wreck - chasing down each new day's extreme challenges, having no choice in declining to meet them. My latest challenge was presented to me yesterday. My long term temporary assignment turned out to be not so long. Without warning, I've officially worked my last week. A complete shock? No. I knew that the assignment would be ending eventually, I'd just hoped to push it into the end of the year.

Naturally, this turn of events has hit at a bad time, and naturally, it threw me for an emotional loop. Bills are due, Emma's birthday is in a week, and despite having my car repaired at the auto body shop, it's still in need of repairs and is nearly non-drivable. Again, I was hoping to push my little engine that could into the summer when Emma would be out of school and public transportation wouldn't seem like the worst thing in the world.

Ironically, prior to receiving the news about my employment, I'd read a post by Tara Pringle Jefferson of The Young Mommy Life. She was talking about her Gratitude Project, about learning how to see the benefits of life's challenges. I can dig that. I allowed myself the space to feel what I needed to feel, but last night, I decided that I was going to take a deep breath, try not to freak out about my rent being due next week, and just let this weekend coast.

I slept in extra long this morning, and my baby let me. She grabbed herself some left overs, popped them in the microwave, and did her big girl thing until I was up to make her the breakfast that she loves. I hit the button on my electric tea kettle, stuck my extra crispy bacon in between some grilled cheese and came back to my bed with a tall mug of Stress Relief. And that was after submitting an application to a job opening that I had been sitting on, going back and forth about if I was going to apply or not. Shoot, now I can spend Emma's birthday with her like she wanted because I wont have to spend my weekends in the office!

All of this sends me the message that things will be ok.

On 'Just Being'

2011-05-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Barnes & Noble

We've finally added this book to our library, and I'm glad we did. I was interested in owning it the minute I learned that it existed. Emma and I read it for bedtime last week, and she was very much in love with the idea of being able to express one's self freely. She told me that was her most favorite part of the story. She did not take too kindly to the reality that not everyone feels that way. She responded very strongly to the possibility that a princess boy could be made fun of. She was completely against it, and said that she'd love to have a princess boy as a friend.

Despite the fact that my educational background is based in gender studies, its not something that Emma and I talk about regularly. In other words, its not necessarily something that I school her on. Rather, I take advantage of teaching moments and/or I keep myself available to her with truthful answers whenever she has a particular question. Reading this book together created such an opportunity. We talked about gender, and the difference between gender and sex, because she wanted to know. We talked about the gendering of toys and colors and clothing as I reiterated my belief that objects are just objects - free for everyone to enjoy - that life outside the box is actually ok, and can be quite fun, because I felt it was something she should know. Thinking about her love of cars and sports and legos and video games, Emma was down with that ideology.

I think, the most beautiful thing about this book was its message of acceptance. Acceptance is a much more productive practice than tolerance. Its all about respecting the space and desire of another to 'just be', and teaching our children to do the same in the process. Kudos to the mothers and fathers who are secure enough, brave enough, and who believe in their love for their children enough to lift their princess boys up with support, and for setting the stage for strength and free thinking.

Unthinkable

2011-05-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

Its been nearly a week. I've been consumed. I've wanted to write. I've been staring at the vast blankness of the lines in my journal, which follow the line that reads, "I want to write about it." Even with all the constant chatter of my mind, words will not appear on the page; this is the first time that I've been able to make them appear on screen. I've come to the realization that I am traumatized. Upon realizing that my episodes of lightheadedness were the result of subconsciously not breathing for long periods of time, I further realized that I am now under post traumatic stress.

It was right after Monday night's dinner. I had whipped up a dish, compliments of a few extra things that my grandmother sent home with us the week before. Satisfied with the outcome, I did as I always do, and gave my grandmother a call to tell her all about it. I had tried calling her earlier in the day and had gotten no response. Her 17 year old picked up that evening. I waited, hearing bits and pieces, as she told me to hold while she got back to the call she was simultaneously handling on her cell.

When I asked if my grandmother was at home, she was surprised that I hadn't "heard". "I guess mama had a stroke. Dad says she's in the hospital." I didn't even really know how to process that information. It was after 6 in the evening. She said that my grandfather told her that it happened earlier in the afternoon. She didn't know what hospital she was in, just the city. At that moment, I believe I went into autopilot. I called the only hospital I was familiar with in that city, finding out that she wasn't there. I got a hold of a nurse at the next hospital who was tending to her, only to be told that she could not give me any information due to confidentiality, and then the call dropped. I could feel the worry starting to build in that moment. I had no idea what my grandmother's condition was, I had literally just found out that she'd been in a hospital half the day, and now I'd have to call back, and try to get reconnected with the person that couldn't tell me anything.

I called one of my aunts. She was at the hospital. Without gaining much information, I got dressed and took Emma to a friend's house. About a mile from the hospital, I was stopped by the passenger side of an SUV when the driver made a left hand turn out of bad judgment. So, there I was, still on autopilot, comforting a shaken boy who looked like he couldn't have been older than 21 as he called his dad to tell him what had happened. Having to have a family member come pick me up from my car, I finally made it to the hospital, where my grandmother was in an emergency room, hooked up to blood pressure, heart monitoring, and IV machines. Her speech was evident that she had had a stroke, but I was glad to see that she was awake and still had a sense of humor.

It was the run down of the events surrounding the stroke, which has brought me into this state of internal panic. Myself, two aunts, a cousin and my grandfather filled the emergency room with a collective of my grandmother's medical and family history. We went over living wills and DNRs and everything that must be known, "just in case". When it came to the first signs of stroke, my grandfather took the lead in informing the doctor of my grandmother's behaviors. I never, ever expected to hear him say that the signs were evident two days before, on Saturday evening. The needle may as well have scratched the record. We all, including the doctor, stood, mouths and minds agape, trying desperately to understand and comprehend what we'd just all learned. Apparently, my grandmother had slurred speech and was showing signs of weakness on her right side on Saturday afternoon. My grandfather stated, since he's had 4 strokes, he recognized what was happening and asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital, and her reply was no. So, he didn't take her. "I watched her", he said. I could have died right then and there. I could not believe what I was hearing. My grandfather finally brought my grandmother into the hospital because "it was getting worse". She says that everything seemed to be moving in slow motion.

The kicker?

I was with her the night before (Sunday) and didn't notice anything that sent alarm. She nor he mentioned anything about difficulties speaking or walking. She had seemed to be moving around the house a little slower than usual, but since she told me that she had not gotten much rest the night before, I didn't find her being tired to be out of place. I now know that she hadn't gotten much sleep the night before because she was suffering from a bad headache, pain in one of her arms, and such. We had dinner, watched a movie - she revealed that she in fact was still having trouble with her words, but that it wouldn't have been evident to me at that time because we weren't talking, we were watching a movie. I'm still in disbelieve, and having a really, really hard time with these facts. Its unbelievable to me that someone who has had 4 strokes, and admitted to knowing what was happening at the first signs, would also admit that he did nothing until the situation got worse. When it comes to a condition affecting the brain, time matters. You have to act in the moment to save a life. You don't wait and watch for the person to fall dead! And you sure as hell don't sit around with your hand in your ass as parts of the person's brain is subjected to damage!

She's home now and I'm afraid. She'll be going through physical therapy to retrain the parts of her brain that have been affected, and to regain strength on her right side. Its hard to watch her working vigorously to open things. Its hard to hear her speak. Its hard to know that she could have died, not just because she was stricken, but because the person around her didn't move his ass and get help right away, even though he was very sure of what was happening. I'm afraid that he will act in the same way if something else happens. What if she has another stroke that isn't a mild one? What if he doesn't get help in time? Why did the both of them treat this thing like it was just another day of not feeling the best? I still don't understand, especially because we've all been here before.

As I listened to what my grandfather was saying, and saw my grandmother struggling to perform the tasks the doctor was asking her to perform, all I could think about was my mother. She died at the age of 37 because she had a stroke and didn't get medical attention in time. She'd had a stroke in bed. When a "friend" came over, she thought that my mother's slurred speech was drunkenness. So, she left my mother alone, in her bed, as her brain started to die. My great-grandmother and I found her the next day when my great-grandmother had trouble getting in touch with her. She was taken to the hospital where she went into a coma, had to be placed on life support, and died. Having experienced this once, I can't believe I could have had to experience that again... I guess, I did experience this again, I've been reliving it, unable to speak with my grandparents about the danger that their silence caused, unable to express just how much I've been affected, how much her children have been affected by this. Its truly an overwhelming occurrence.

Now that I am fully aware of where I am, I can now take the steps of properly working through this.

Everyday Food: Pork and Pineapple

2011-05-10T11:31:00.000-07:00

Skillet-Seared Pork Chops w/Pineapple Salsa

You gotta love Martha Stewart, and you gotta love her magazine, Everyday Food. There is never a dull recipe! Not only is the mag full of delicious dishes, tips and tricks, it always features an exclusive week of dinners, complete with a shopping list so you wont have to keep running back and forth to the store throughout the week! I have to thank my friend Angela of This American Locavore for turning me on to Martha's mag.

I spotted a great recipe in an older issue and decided to give it a try. Pork Chops are a regular in our house and this was a great way to add a little something different to our old favorite.

Emma helped me make the Pineapple Salsa by combining all of the ingredients and being the official taste tester!

- 1 cup of pineapple chunks we had a small can on hand so we used those
- 1/2 small red onion, halved and thinly sliced Emma prefers diced so we have a combo of sliced and diced
- 1 tablespoon of honey
- 1/4 cup fresh cilantro, chopped
- salt and pepper

You can had 1/2 of a chile pepper if you want to kick it up. We did not.

Once the salsa was ready to go, I browned the chops. Martha's recipe calls for flour for browning, but I found that it wasn't needed to achieve beautifully brown chops. I cooked our chops in EVOO (extra virgin olive oil), and seasoned them with Season All and Lemon Pepper. You can substitute salt and pepper or any of your favorite pork seasonings. While the chops were cooking I made a side of white rice. I placed the cooked chops on a platter, topped them with our salsa, and added some reserved chopped cilantro and butter to the rice, fluffed with a fork, and dinner was served.

Have you tried any delicious new recipes lately?

Post Mother's Day

2011-05-09T13:03:00.000-07:00

And she is the star of mine :)

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

My Mother

Wishing all the wonderful mother's out there a very Happy Mother's Day!!

In the Thick

2011-05-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Tea n Honey Bread

- More photos from Naturals Night Out via Karen of Naturally Beautiful Hair Blog. My 'fro was completely doing its own thing due to some interesting results from some leave in conditioner, but I rocked it anyway. I love seeing everyone's point of view when they post their pictures, and I love when I find myself in them.

Hanging with Fatemeh of Fatemeh's Jewelry and Accessories

- I'm pretty unaffected by the death of Osama Bin Laden, except to say that the shock of some to the reactions of some is very interesting. Facebook was ablaze with status updates of disgust with the fact that we as Americans were not viewing Bin Laden as a human being, who was killed. We were instead celebrating the fact that it was us who killed him. While I agree that we really haven't gained anything to celebrate by Bin Laden's death, the act of standing around with pitch forks is nothing new in this country. I just hope that all who think Bin Laden's death means the "end" of something are not that foolish.

- Speaking of the government, Emma began standardized testing this week. Her thoughts on it:

"There will be questions that we wont know because the questions were created by people in the government who aren't in any schools. They don't know what 2nd graders know. 2nd graders know more about what we know than the government does." *tear*

Obviously her teacher has given the class a little low down on what lies beneath these tests. Nonetheless, she found the first day of testing to come easily.

- A little over a month left until the freedom of summer! Everybody wants to know what Emma will be doing for the summer. They wanna know which high priced camps she'll be attending. Listen, we're both looking forward to lounging and hanging. We miss days at the beach and fun at the water park. This is what we do during the summer time. We enjoy each other! I wont say that a camp is completely out of the question, but I wont be booking her entire summer with them.

- This end of this month marks 1 year post 2nd big chop for me! I still can't believe I'm coming up on a year of growth. With all of the fly low cuts around here, I'm both surprised and proud of myself for resisting the urge to go back to feeling the sun on my scalp. I've had a lot of inspiration though from watching the growth of so many others. I watch them and notice just how much my own hair has grown during this year period. I think I have a good 3 1/2 inches going on. I'm planning a blow out and length check to celebrate!

What's going on with you?

Naturals Night Out Gallery!

2011-04-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

Head on over to Natural Selection to check out the great pictures captured of the fun-filled night! I'm looking very forward to the next night out on the town with the curlfriends.

SAVE THE DATE!

May 21st, San Francisco, CA

Boy Energy

2011-04-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

Lately, Emma has become quite the challenge for her teacher. Many a note home this last half of the school year reveals a level of bewilderment, amusement and most of the time all around confusion. I can never really offer too much of an explanation beyond the fact that the 'she' who shows up each and every morning is just who she is. Its no easy task trying to confine a dominant personality and energized spirit to a set rubric, especially when the two are intertwined within a Gemini. Now, this doesn't mean that dominant personalities are exempt from rule following, just that they often follow their own rules and demand that others do so as well. As expected, this is sure to create a clash in leadership. During our latest meeting, somewhere between the teacher's tales and the principal's rationalizations tumbled talk of 'boy energy'. I sat with that for moment.

When speaking of 'boy energy' they were of course speaking of all the rambunctious boys that help make up Emma's classroom, but I couldn't help but wonder about boys and girls and expectations, and was compelled to offer a reminder that rambunctious 'boy energy' does not just reside within boys. It just so happens to also resides within girls who love baseball and drum sets and guitars and race cars and video games and football and getting dirty. And just like some of those rambunctious 'boy energy' exerting tough boys, there are some nail polish wearing, dress sporting, tough girls who do not feel the need to apologize for being so. I gave birth to one of those.

The real challenge here is teaching the hard ugly lesson in the difference between effective leadership and just plain old fashion dictatorship. Seems that my little leader goes out into the world and dictates what those around her should be doing/should have already known they should have been doing/most absolutely WILL DO or else! The kid is that kid. Since I'm sure neither her teacher or principal will be giving her personology a lone stamp of approval anytime soon, the very best I can do is continue to assure them that we are all a part of Team Emma. So far so good!

June 5th Personology:

"You enjoy thinking about all manner of things thoroughly — be it a decision, a design, or a premise, it's all worth pondering. But you have too much zest to sit still with those thoughts. Once you've had time to process, it's time for action! Take care, however. Some people see this as officious. Try to express your enthusiasm in a way that doesn't come across as demanding." - Source

Happy Easter!

2011-04-21T14:25:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it has to do with the world wind of a year we've just had, but these days, I've been keeping it very low key. The day before Easter is upon us and I'm not stressing about Easter dresses or Easter dinner. We will be kicking back this year with my grandmother and her delicious cooking. I did grab a few of Emma's favorites for her basket, and made up another for my little brother. I'm sure they will both be thrilled to find what's inside.

I hope that all of you have a very happy holiday weekend with family, and your special family traditions!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2011-04-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

Source

As eventful as that sounds, it was really a rather uneventful day. I took it easy. For a girl who trades in her weekends and a few of her weekdays for a living, 'easy' can be considered a form of celebrating. I hid out in bed for a spell - just me, Netflix and the ever so present Facebook notification of bday love. There was a part of me that had a problem with the stillness of non-physical celebration, but yet a deeper part of me that appreciated being left to just be, on my special day. Keeping with my lax day, Emma and I headed over to IHOP for some dinner. With kids eating free for the whole month of April, it was just a win-win.

Card that Emma made for me

That's not all she wrote though, ya'll know I party harder than this. This Friday I'll be trying out a new local spot that I stumbled on. I haven't read one bad review yet, so I'm looking forward to having a pretty good time. Stay tuned...

For the Common Good

2011-04-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

My car expenses may have just killed my chances of setting sail. It was a nice thought though. I really didn't see this break down in transportation coming. Like clockwork, at the worst possible time. There is no emergency car fund. That all went to the emergency restocking-of-the-fridge-gas-in-the-tank-tires-on-the-car-various-bills fund. I thought I had at least earned one reason to celebrate this coming Fall.

I have considered the possibility of giving up control of transportation, but I would be kidding if I said that I could do the day to day of the adventures of Emma and Barbara on a bus/train. Looks like I will have to catch the next one.

Ripple: Fail

2011-04-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

I got the basic pattern right, meaning I can make it ripple, BUT its obvious that something somewhere is very wrong here. I'm gonna have to break down an get a written beginning to end pattern for this one. Luckily, fellow lover of granny squares, Sarah London, is having a pattern sale! She has some great creations! I don't think I can go wrong with her Zig Zag pattern.

I'm about 21 inches away from finishing Emma's blanket. Since next week is Spring Break, I'll have plenty of opportunities to head outdoors and crochet in the sunshine... just as long as I don't forget the benadryl!

After the Coils

2011-04-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

Getting ready to head out to the Naturals Night Out event

I wish I could say that I had a fabulous coil out after removing my finger coils. Thanks to my itchy scalp, I did not. After a week I had to go ahead and wash. Ended up with my usual TWA. Since I waited until 2 hours before work to wash my hair there wasn't much styling I could do. I'm hoping to give the finger coils another shot later this month. I also want to give two-strand twists a try. I have 10 more days to make a birthday hairstyle decision. We'll see...

I had an amazing time at the Naturals Night Out event. There were a bunch of ladies in the building, with a bunch of cute styles, and we got to see THREE styling demonstrations, which included a cut. Not a big chop, but a nice cut that gave a growing head of curls a universal shape to play with. I learned some new things about cuts on curly girls, maintenance you can do at home, loc care, and got to sample some wonderful products from the Komaza Care line. The glass of champagne wasn't bad either. I love these events because I always walk away having met some great women, and reconnected with those that I usually on hang with virtually. I'm already looking forward to the next event, which I've heard will be around May 21st. I hope we have more events with more styling demonstrations. I'd love for someone who is passionate about natural hair care to get their hands in my head!

I didn't take any pictures this time, but there were lots of cameras in the building. I'll share some when they start to spring up.

Tales of Dad

2011-04-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

From my private blog...

There was a part of me that feared my dad.

I had been told how my mother didn't trust him with me, and how the unborn baby before me, never was, because of him. We didn't have many encounters. He was locked up in jail the majority of the time. When he was out, we might go out to eat, or over to see one of his sisters. When he wasn't out, we were connected through timed collect calls, letters and hand drawn cards. I had been told he was an artist...

He once asked me about a kiss. He wanted to know how I would kiss him. Would it be on the lips? I suppose he was asking because he was infected with HIV, but in that moment, all I could think about were the reasons that my mother didn't trust him with me. His inquiry made me nervous and uncomfortable. I didn't tell him that. We'd been separated. I suspected that he felt bad enough about that truth...

He gave me a ring. I spent a few minutes with it this morning as I poured through the stuff in my jewelry box. It looks like an engagement ring. Mama said he probably stole it. I kept it anyway. I also kept his letters and cards - in shoe boxes. There were so many. Now I only have the most recent. I re-read some, and felt the love that he had for me, through his words. And then I re-read the cards that he'd sent for Emma, and felt what he must have felt for her...

Near the end, I think our past must have flashed before his eyes. He say no future in us. Deep down he felt that he'd fucked off the perfect opportunity to be who and what I had asked him to be, up until the time that I made it clear to him that I wasn't going to ask it of him anymore. He decided that he should not burden me with his deterioration.

So, he died alone, in a hospital room, and left me with ashes and penmanship.

Happy Birthday Leslie Henry Jr.

I love you.